KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
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*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.