I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
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Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no