When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
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Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed