Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.