me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
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Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.