Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
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Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back