This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
You Might Also Like
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*gets down on one knee*
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest