Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Lmaoo 😂
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon