flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
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Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
What is going on? 😅
Not all heroes wear capes….
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
😂😂😂
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.