Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
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Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.