Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
You Might Also Like
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”