you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.