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You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
*jazz hands*
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.