Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
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Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Shark week, but for squirrels.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Who knew!
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa