My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
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Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”