Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
You Might Also Like
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
A game married people play.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.