German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
You Might Also Like
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
How long do you have to wait between naps?
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Who.
Did.
This?
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
When you don’t understand how floors work
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]