Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
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My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
#oldknees
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.