“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
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What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day