Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
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My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
😂😂😂
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
That was easy.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*