And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
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In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
#JohnTravolta
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.