Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
You Might Also Like
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*