You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
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[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Not today
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..