Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
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[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*