If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
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If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
how high up are we talkin’?
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages