At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
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Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
All generalizations are stupid.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.