I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
You Might Also Like
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?