HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
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[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan