It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
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Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
💯😂
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?