Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
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Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Why is everyone getting married at me
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.