Put this video in the Louvre
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I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport