[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
You Might Also Like
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
welp