BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
You Might Also Like
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.