Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
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Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.