Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
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JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I think we should hear other voices.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
How animals would run if they were human
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir