All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
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My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”