[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
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Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.