Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
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Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey