Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
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Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this