I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
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What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.