eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
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Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
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My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.