Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
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My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Battery falling down a hole
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.