Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
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me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I mean…but I did
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.