Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
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My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert