How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
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Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.