WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47