Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
You Might Also Like
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
My therapist after every session