There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
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No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!