Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral