Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
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Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I don’t hate children, just yours.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Um … Hot Wings please
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage